What the hell was I thinking? Part I

I did something today I said I would not do when I woke up this morning. I signed up to something I promised myself I wouldn't. Not because I don't want it, but because I didn't want to be 'one of those poor schmucks' who signs their bank balance away without taking the appropriate time to think it through properly. 

I think of myself as being fairly savvy about sales tactics and cold calling and the like. I have seen 'Don't get Done, Get Dom', after all... But I obviously no nowt.

image credit: weheartit.com

I am so utterly ashamed and disgusted at myself right now. I can't even bring myself to write exactly what happened. I'll say 'home improvements' and leave it at that. I was determined the appointment today would be a curiosity only. As much as I would like the improvements, I really can't afford to sign up to lengthy repayment plans right now. There's no reason I should have done so. Thinking back, I don't feel the sales person led me on, or told me untruths, or anything like that. So I can't even explain why I did it. Maybe because I felt I was in control of the situation because it was in my home? I don't know. I obviously convinced myself I could afford it.

Which makes it all the more frustrating and shameful that I did it. Compounded by my current reaction to it, which actually made me feel sick earlier. It was that moment of panic when I realised what I had done - as if I didn't know what I was doing at the time, of course I did! 

O my god, what the hell was I thinking?!

There is a cooling off period to the contract, I did check that much. So I will be on the phone tomorrow to cancel. I am already worrying about the call, about their response and attempts to dissuade me from cancellation, and about making sure the cancellation actually goes through within the time limit.

I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight. I will be indulging in a little glass of vino tinto to calm my stupidly self-inflicted nerves.

Lesson learned, I hope.

Part II tomorrow, hopefully with good news!

#Reasons to be Cheerful - Wk 16

Ooh I'm in need of some cheerfulness, I am. It's been a tough ol' week back at school - and it's only been three days! Oh dear...

B's behaviour has been particularly challenging, and I'm exhausted. I'm putting it down to his own exhaustion after the busy Easter holidays and getting back into the swing of things at school. So I am delving deep for some cheery thoughts.

image credit: 123rf.com

It's nearly the weekend, so a couple of days break from the stressful mornings, phew.

Despite the aforementioned behaviour, we have managed to make the school bell 2 out of 3 days so far (we'll not mention the 3rd day when we were a whole 15 minutes late and had to put his name in the 'late book' at the front office. Tut tut)

Apart from one 'blip', I have managed to remain reasonably calm and together (outwardly, at least!) in the face of tantrums, slamming doors, punching (oh yes), screeching, and just plain stubbornness. I know this has helped to stop some potential 'flip-outs' from becoming full-blown doozies.

In between the madness, he is my cuddly wee boy and I love him. Where else am I to get cuddles from these days?!

p.s. oh, an extra cheerful note, I've just noticed that my blog pageviews have broken the 1000 mark! Small potatoes for all you seasoned bloggers out there, granted, but it feels like a milestone for little ol' me!


What is making you cheery this week?

Luke-warm tea

My first ever time linking with Just Write over at The Extraordinary Ordinary and I'm 2 days late. Must Try Harder.

As I stood in the kitchen sipping a luke-warm cup of tea, I listened to B's bedroom door being slammed ever harder and his voice rising and screeching ever louder. I was at that horribly familiar place again, wondering what on earth is the best course of action to bring this particular tantrum to a quick close? Putting him in his room only added to his frustration (hence the door banging and screaming). Removing cherished toys or threatening the removal of TV privileges had not had any effect and I was stuck for ideas. Again. 

My mind was filled at this point, with questions: Will I be able to keep my own frustrations in check and not go through and scream back at him? How the heck do I get him to calm down and not resort to the throwing/punching/lashing out he has become accustomed to of late? How am I ever going to control his behaviour when he's 8, 9, 10 yrs old and much stronger (he's already a little strong man now)? 

...and thoughts: if he damages his bedroom door he is in serious trouble - although I have no idea what 'serious trouble' would actually look like; goddammit this all started because I dared to take 10 minutes to myself to read a magazine.

Cut to half an hour later and the door is still in its frame, scattered toys and other general bedroom paraphenalia  have been begrudgingly tidied up, apologies received, tears wiped away, and reminders given about good behaviour being rewarded with the return of favourite toys. As B returns to his usual bright, happy self, I am left  exhausted, spent, drained, wishing I could brush off such episodes as easily as he can. It would certainly help my sanity.

Reasons to be Cheerful - Week 13

So, Reasons to be Cheerful this week. A bit of an 'up and down' week. Late to school, awake half the night for no apparent reason. But looking forward to the holidays. So I'm cheery this week because:

• The unseasonal fantastic weather this week. I know it's not original or clever, but it is amazing just how much the good weather lifts your mood. Even though we all know it's going to go back to 'normal' March/April weather soon enough!
• Two weeks break from the school routine come tomorrow. B is definitely in need of a break now, he's been a bit grumpy the past week or so, tired, so the holidays can't come soon enough. 
• I'm going on a kind of 'spiritual' Away Day on Saturday in London. Not quite sure what to expect, but looking forward to finding out! I'm sure to post about it next week.
• Also B and I have a few days away during the holidays, just the two of us. I am in need of a change of scene so am looking forward to it. Hoping the weather doesn't turn too nasty in the meantime!
• My volunteering role I've been doing for the past 10 months finished this week. A strange reason to be cheerful, yes, and it is bittersweet. But I know it was the right decision to make and I now feel freed up to look for more paid work or to explore other options.

What are your reasons to be cheerful this week?

Resolution - Failure!

Day 1 of Resolution (see previous post)
Result: FAILED

Didn't take long, did it? O what a failure as a parent I must be.

In my defence, B was obviously aiming for the Gold Medal in the Most Bad-Tempered / Stubborn Boy Competition this morning in his reluctance to go back to school. A competition he surely would have won by a country mile.

My patience and calm (outer) appearance was eventually shattered, as I tried to coax him into the bathroom while he stomped, humfed and then eventually punched (ohhhh yes...) his way round the flat for a good half an hour or so. Not even threatening and then following through on removing his most prized Santa present (a playmobil Knights Castle) encouraged him to change his ways. Oh the humanity!

So my gold medal-winner ended up going back to school with a dirty face and no teeth brushed. Luckily he relented enough to at least get his clothes on. Believe me, if I'd had to take him in his robot jammies, I would have.

So it's back to Square One tomorrow re: Resolution. I must dig out that Mediation book...

Shame on me?

Wow i've been very neglectful of the blogosphere of late. It's been nearly two weeks since i last posted, or did much else online, which has taken me by surprise this morning.

There's been some sort of fog surrounding me, killing any concentration or motivation i have had for anything much really. Not just for blogging, but for anything that needs any more effort than vegging on the couch of an evening. Bit of a strange one really, don't know why the fog has descended, but I have come to the conclusion I'll just have to ride it out.

As the days have passed, I was beginning to get myself stressed out for not keeping up my blogging duties and posting, reading, or commenting on other blogs. That's what I 'ought' to be doing, isn't it, as a blogger? But then I thought, if it is making me feel duty-bound to do it, even when my heart is temporarily just not in it for whatever reason, it strips all the fun and enjoyment out of it - and if it's no fun, I ain't going to keep it up for long, am I?

The fact that I'm posting this, perhaps there is a chink of sunlight burning through the fog, but it's not lifted completely just yet, so I'll slink off again now and maybe I'll feel I have something I think worth blogging about soon.