But it's not because I don't have a 'working week' at the moment.
I'm not happy with Fridays because it messes with my 'emotional stability', as Fridays are when B goes to stay at his dad's for some or all of the weekend. We've been doing the 'transfer' every Friday for well over a year now but it doesn't really get any easier. We meet in the train station - always a good bet with B, anything to do with trains and he's happy - , hand over his bag, pass on any relevant information for the weekend, steal as many last minute kisses and hugs as I can from B, and then watch him skip away, deliriously happy to be going to his dad's.
And then the emotional turmoil begins. When he skips off, I'm left standing in the middle of the station concourse and for a few moments, it makes me feel like someone's just stolen him from me and i'm never going to see him again. Dramatic that may sound, it's a fairly fleeting feeling fortunately, but it is there.
At the same time, I feel relieved at having some time to myself, even if its just to sit and do nowt for a while - and get a bit of a lie in. [Cos nobody can really describe the constant physical exhaustion day in, day out, at just doing the normal routine stuff as a single parent].But of course, along with the relief, the guilt comes a-calling, guilt that I would feel pleased to be spending ANY time away from my wee boy.
The worst thing about Friday though, is going home after the 'drop-off'. I hate going home on a Friday without B there, even though he's back causing havoc the next day. I hate the emptiness of the house, but I guess its more about WHY he's not there which is why I hate it. However, I'm very lucky to have some very lovely friends who often accompany me for a little drink or two, and a few moans at times, to save me from having to make that difficult return journey too early.
So it's Friday evening, and I've just gone through the whole thing for the day. Was lucky enough to meet up with a couple of friends earlier for a glass of vino (or two). Lookin' forward to a lie in tomorrow and staying up tonight watching naff on the TV. But I also will be giving B a great big squeeeezy cuddle (his favourite kind!) when I see him again.
And then it all happens again next Friday!
Big virtual hug. I think guilt is just part and parcel of parenthood (you just get twice as much as a single parent). I constantly feel guilty that my son is growing up in what society perceive as a 'broken' family, but he is so happy and lovely I can't honestly feel that it is doing him any harm.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty about looking forward to 'you time', the fact you feel so horrid to start with to let him go shows what a great mummy you are.
aw thanks. i CAN separate out the guilt thing from the need to have some me time, its the conflicting emotional cr*p which messes with you sometimes!
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