Emotional rollercoaster

Do you ever feel like you've been on some kind of emotional roller-coaster all. day. long?

I've had one of those days. 

Started off with B in a foul mood, same mood he was in yesterday (no idea why, I'm putting it down to "starting school syndrome"), which meant he didn't want to get dressed for school, he didn't want to have breakfast, he wanted to pour the milk in his oatibix himself, he wanted to ... blah blah, you get the picture. So after 35 minutes of keeping calm and trying to reason with him, irritation and impatience took hold, stress levels ramped right up (they are permanently high these days so doesn't take much to tip them over the edge) and I lost my temper with him. Which only ever serves to rile him even more, so I had to wait a bit longer until he calmed down and eventually he got his face washed and clothes on in 5 minutes flat. And we weren't even late for school, a miracle!

So I dropped him off, all smiles, but the stress and irritation just morphs into real anger and frustration, at myself mostly, especially when I get to the supermarket for some shopping and realise I've left my purse at home. Grrrrrr. I scream a bit while sitting in the car, and rev the engine unnecessarily as I screech out of Morrisons carpark.


Eventually the high-energy anger tires me out, and it dissolves into a real lethargic melancholy at my 'miserable lot in life'. Yeh, this is the feeling-sorry-for-myself phase. After mooching about the house for an hour or so, kicking myself for staring at 'Homes Under the Hammer' instead of finishing a job application which is due in tomorrow, I find myself alot calmer again as I head out to pick B up from school at lunchtime, even hopeful that the afternoon will be alot happier and stress-free.

So peace returns as we run about the little park outside school for half an hour. Then we get home and B decides he doesn't want ham sandwiches for lunch, he doesn't want to wash his hands before lunch, he doesn't want to change out of his school clothes... and here we go again...

It's flippin' exhausting, this parenting lark, particularly when you don't have the other half of the parenting tag-team to let you have a break for a bit.

But then (and I know this is incredibly cheesy and corny, but it's sooo true) it gets to bed time, and I sneek a peek at him sleeping soundly, peacefully, next to the 'leaning tower of cuddly toys' precariously balanced next to him, and I know tomorrow will be a good day.

But there's always room for a little glass of wine (but not before actually finishing the job application...).

Listography

From Kate Takes 5 Listography- Things I Did This Summer

1. I started blogging!! After much procrastination, I decided to give the whole blogging thing a whirl and see where it takes me... followed swiftly by all sorts of stress about am I blogging right? Am I blogging enough? Should I be commenting/following more bloggers? When the heck do I have time to do all this? etc etc. Still feel like a newbie blogger with lots to learn, but having great fun writing and reading along the way.

2. Got on an aeroplane for the first time in four years. Serious plane-o-phobia (don't know the correct terminology on that one...) since my late teens, for no particular reason. Tried various 'cures' over the years like hypnotherapy, self-help books, fear-of-flying course, but alas no Eureka moment has ever presented itself to take away the fear. So a big deal to fly after such a long time, and hey! I survived!!

3.  Celebrated my wee boy's 5th birthday and before catching breath, watched him turn into a BSB - that's a Big School Boy to the uninitiated... 2 1/2 weeks in to term, he's still not quite settled in yet, and I'm still coming to terms with the emotions and anxieties its raises within me. It's amazing the effect a polo shirt, trousers and a jumper can have on a mummy!

4. Applied for very few jobs as there are just not many of the suckers out there worth applying for - which meant I also continued to spend more of my redundancy payout to keep us ticking over. Hoping the autumn will bring more opportunities...

5. Spent lots of time with my boy: going for days out and the odd trip to the beach (what?! we had sunshine this summer?!), a couple of mini-breaks to York and Northumberland, little walks in the nearby woods, and just mucking about at home.

Phew! It's been a blast! x

Another Big Day

Big day today, B's First Day at School. Went something like this...

6.08am - B's wake-up call, "Mummy i need a pee". I was hoping he might get a bit longer lie given his big day ahead, but i guess there's too much going on in his little head.

9.14am - We have a week of 12.30pm-3pm days, as a transition week. I start to wish we had a morning transition week, as we're just hanging around as there's not much time to do anything else, waiting til lunchtime and to get ready for school.

10.29am - We make a mad dash to the sports shop at the local retail park as I realise I don't have a drawstring-type tote bag for his gym kit. We get stuck at temporary traffic lights on the way back and I start to panic i'll not have enough time to make his lunch before school. Of course there is plenty of time, but I do tend to panic abit when i'm feeling anxious...

11.33am - As B has his lunch, I'm expecting his dad/my ex at the door any minute to come with us to school. We agreed he'd be here at 11.30am.

11.59am - Still no sign of B's dad and I'm getting seriously peed off at yet another of his later arrivals to meet B.

12.01pm - B's dad finally turns up just as B is about to get his uniform on, which then upsets the plan as he forgets about getting dressed to play with daddy. I'm seething as I knew this would happen, hence why I'd asked him to come a bit earlier.

12.15pm - B's dressed and we're taking photos. Its funny how grown up he looks just by putting on a school uniform, even if the trousers need turned up and the jumper sleeves cover his hands! A proud moment, and I need to take a few long breaths to calm the nerves.

12.29pm - We arrive at the school and wait in the drizzle outside with the other first timers until the Head Teacher welcomes us and asks us to leave the little ones with them, letting us know we can come into the classrooms and take photos after their first day is over. I give B a kiss on the cheek and he's marches in quite happily with a teacher, giving us a wave as he goes. One of the teachers looks over at me and mouths "OK?" in a reassuring kind of way, which has the opposite effect and a few tears flow as B's dad and I walk back to the car, not quite believing I've just sent my little baby off to school.

Any sadness I feel is intensified as we drive home, as B's dad, my partner and husband for over 15 years, cannot find any words or comfort for me when I could have done with it the most, especially when he must have been feeling something similar as his little boy goes off to school. I wonder just how we could have become so distant, we are like strangers. I think of when Ben was born, and how I never could have imagined this warped reality 5 years on.

2.40pm Having re-applied some make-up to conceal the bleary eyes and red nose, I feel a bit calmer as we make our way back to pick up B. B is very happy to see us and shows us to his seat - he's at the purple table - and where his coat peg and tray are. We have a quick chat with his teacher, whom we hadn't met previously. She seems nice enough and I ask her what sort of thing they'll be doing with the wee ones in the next week. I look around, taking in as much as I can, still finding it hard to believe it's my little boy who's now a bona fide schoolboy.

4.15pm B is completely exhausted and after being quizzed by us as to what he's been doing on his first day ("can't remember/don't know" are key answers), he's been flat out on the couch for the past hour, watching a bit of telly and reading his beloved train magazine (although he has to give up on this as he's "just too tired to read"). Poor soul, I can't believe just how tired he is after 2 1/2 hours at school, but I guess its the nervous energy/excitement of the whole day that's taken its toll rather than any 'hard work'!

He says he's even too tired to eat his dinner, and just wants a sandwich and some grapes. Dinner as such is served, and he does perk up a bit while he's eating.

5.59pm I get him in the bath early in the hope I can get him in bed and asleep early too.

7.10pm He's got a bit of a second wind and is not winding down for bed. Typical! I am completely knackered now myself, and will be having an early night too, hopefully. We make sure his uniform is all neat and folded for school tomorrow, and sit on his bed to read a bedtime story, Charlie and Lola's "I am absolutely too small for school".
I quite agree, Lola.

8.01pm All quiet. Not the early night I thought he'd have, but no tears or tantrums so I'm happy. I hope he has a good night's sleep, cos we have to do it all again tomorrow...

8.53pm Time to pour myself well-earned glass of vino and watch some telly before bed. Night Night.

End of an era

Today we marked the end of the first major chapter in B's life - his 'graduation' from nursery.

There were nine other little ones (or not so little any more...) graduating too. Mummies, daddies and the odd granny and papa (including B's gran, and Daddy) filed in to the preschool room, took their seats as best they could in toddler chairs (!), packets of tissues and cameras on standby. B had a new shirt on for the occasion, which he had apparently been unbuttoning all morning and 'flashing' the other children. (oh dear). Fortunately all the buttons were where they should be by graduation time.

I was wondering what 'graduation' would actually mean for preschoolers. The 'Order of Service' sheets (how cute!) handed out explained there would be the usual introduction and welcomes, a few songs, the 'graduation' itself, a few other songs and then some snacks and nibbles. Of course, given we're talking about organising nine 4/5 yr olds, the planned order didn't quite go to schedule...

We did get a rousing rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, one girl singing* (*for singing, substitute shouting as loudly as possible) her own version all the way through. Next came the handing out of certificates, enthusiastic applause from the audience, and then an attempt to hold each child still for long enough to get a photo which didn't have a finger up a nose or certificate in front of the face. Then the pre-school teacher attempted to give a little speech, but another staff member had to take over as emotions got the better of her. That nearly had me going, but actually I was far more composed than I thought i was going to be.

We had another few songs after that, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and another one about turtles I think...

And that was that. He's still got  a week or so of actual nursery still to go, i think i'll be bit more emotional when we have to do the actual goodbyes. Although it did dawn on me just a little while ago that today was the last day in nursery that he'll get to see his best little buddy, the two of them being inseparable for the past 3 years. They're going to different schools too, and although i'm sure they will see each other again, I know they'll miss each other terribly.

Wow, big day today. One down, the next big one to follow when school starts in a few weeks time. Phew. Think a wee glass of something is in order now.

Headless Chickens

I was at a local farm park the other day. We came across the chickens at one point. One of them had its head turned right round, buried into its body. It looked like it had no head. But it wasn't strutting, flailing about, like you'd expect from the proverbial 'headless chicken'.

And I'm definitely flailing! My head is completely bursting at the moment with too much stuff spilling out of it.

Like, Getting stuff ready for my holiday next week, including getting a wedding outfit (friend getting married abroad, so making a wee - and well-deserved - holiday out of it). And not stressing about getting on a plane for the first time in 4 years. And I hate flying.

2. Planning B's birthday party and all that that entails. Even at 5 yrs old, the trauma at trying to work out who to invite, have i remembered everyone? Am I going to offend anyone if i forget to invite them? Do i invite everyone B mentions (he comes out with names I've never heard of before and talks about them as if they're best mates... for that week anyway)

3. Get B's birthday pressies. I'm at a loss as to what to get him this year! All he wants is more trains. NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE TRAINS!! He is a total train fanatic. I can see him, 20 years from now, anorak and thick-rimmed NHS glasses with his notebook and pencil at the end of some random train platform in the middle of nowhere jotting down the train numbers. 

4. Preparing for B starting P1 this year. This is a whole week's worth of posts right here, mostly about me coping with the idea of him going to school... Not to mention afterschool and holiday childcare, etc etc ...

5. And of course, there's just the small matter of trying to find a job at the same time.

When am I supposed to have the time to work?!?!