Resolution no.1

Pre-New Year's Resolution no.1:
Find a way to relight the blogging fire.


As Arnie said, I'll be back.

where's the time gone?

wow, am a bit shocked it's been almost a month since i last posted. where has the last few weeks gone?

I definitely feel a bit bored with my blog right now, it's as if I don't think i've got anything interesting enough to post about. But I've started my 'little' new job in the past month or so, and I've been doing other potentially 'interesting' things, I don't know why I've not been feeling like blogging...

I do think it's got something to do with the fact I don't want to feel like I have  to blog or comment or respond etc. That probably sounds selfish or rude to some bloggers, but I want to feel I'm blogging for myself right now, and not to please anyone else. Once I feel like that again, I'll get my blogging hat back on properly again.

On a completely different subject, what the heck is with these people who have already put their Christmas decorations up? A flat below me have had 'snowflakes' and lights up at their window for the past week or more. Mid November. It's just not right. Apart from anything else, don't they know how much more electricity they're paying for by switching on their Christmas lights a whole month early?? Fools!!! B has been told and is well aware that Christmas decorations will go on 12 days before Christmas as they should and not before! Is that being a bit of a Scrooge? I don't think so, it's being a bit more true to the whole idea of what the heck Christmas is supposed to be celebrating...

I did concede to him watching The Snowman though. Although we only stopped watching it in March this year, so I've got another 4 months of it to go. Guess there are worse things to be watching!

We're walking in the aaaaaaaaaaaaaair, la la la la la laaaaaaah la laaaaaaaaaaaah...

Missing my little boy

I've been really missing my little boy this weekend. Half term week has meant that he's been away at his dad's for 3 nights last weekend, and then away 3 nights this weekend too. And I'm missing his wee face. And his smart little comments and funny questions. And his singing along to Adele songs and his 'robot' dancing (sometimes at the same time!).

I should be well used by now to him being at his dad's. Afterall, he's been staying with him for 1 or 2 nights every week since we separated. But I've never quite got used to it, feeling relieved to get a break from 24/7 single parenthood on the one hand, but still missing my wee boy like mad on the other.

So this week the extra nights apart from him have been hard. I've felt like i'm right back at the beginning, when this all started, 18 months ago. I hate him going away every weekend, because I hate what it means. I hate that he has to go between me and his dad's, I hate that he'll never wake up in the morning and see mummy and daddy together in the same place, that he'll either be with me or with daddy, never both of us.

I. don't. want. to. be. a. single. parent. This is not what I want for me, and it's definitely not what I want for B. And it sucks.

Am I being self-pitying? Yes. Do I deserve a little bit of indulgent self-pity occasionally? I reckon so.

Naughty mummy

[Ed: re-worked for 2012 Britmums Imperfect Parenting Carnival, hosted by the lovely Michelle at Mummy from the Heart]


Kids, dontcha just love their honesty? Their innocent questioning of the world around them, which may seem like mickey-taking to the uninitiated, but is really just their way of finding out about the world. "Why does that man look sad?" for example, or "why is that lady in a wheelchair?". Perfectly innocent and reasonable questions if you think about it from their point of view.

As a parent, you are well aware of this public honesty and innocent lack of discretion. So when I decided to try and pass off my now five year-old as 'still four' - so I didn't have to pay a ridiculously expensive child fee to get into a local tourist attraction - I knew there was the risk of him telling everyone exactly how old he was and spoiling my sneaky and somewhat dishonest plan. But I carried on regardless, foolishly thinking that he would be too occupied with what was going on around him to listen to the boring chat between mummy and the cashier.

You know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, my darling little B, on hearing me telling the nice lady that he was still four for a few weeks yet, pipes up:

 "No I'm not four, I'm five now. Why are you saying I'm four, Mummy?"

image credit: telegraph.co.uk

Aaahh!! What do I do? Do I admit defeat, try make a joke out of my dishonesty, own up and pay up? Or carry on with the ruse and dig myself a deeper hole?

 In a moment of panic, and still not wanting to pay the entry fee, I blundered onwards.

"No, honey, remember you're not 5 for a few more sleeps yet". Turning to the cashier, "Won't be able to get away with not paying for much longer, he'll be five next week". I hoped that was the end of it.

But no.

image credit: bbc.co.uk

"But I'm five now mummy. Not four." and so it went on. It felt like I was standing there for hours telling the filthiest lies ever told in the known universe. (I wouldn't make a good fraudster...)

The cashier, to my amazement, gave us the free child ticket, seemingly convinced by my suave lies (or else feeling sorry for my pathetic attempt at deceipt).

An hour and a half later on our way back out, I was relieved to see we wouldn't have to skulk past the same cashier as someone else was on duty. Phew! That would have been too much for me to bear, I'd have run up to her, shouted "it's a fair cop!" or something, and flung the money on the table, begging for her forgiveness.

Suffice to say we'll not be visiting that establishment again for a wee while. I am too ashamed of my trickery and web of lies. I need to atone for my wrong-doing...

But I STILL don't agree with paying so much for a five year old to get in!

Shame on me?

Wow i've been very neglectful of the blogosphere of late. It's been nearly two weeks since i last posted, or did much else online, which has taken me by surprise this morning.

There's been some sort of fog surrounding me, killing any concentration or motivation i have had for anything much really. Not just for blogging, but for anything that needs any more effort than vegging on the couch of an evening. Bit of a strange one really, don't know why the fog has descended, but I have come to the conclusion I'll just have to ride it out.

As the days have passed, I was beginning to get myself stressed out for not keeping up my blogging duties and posting, reading, or commenting on other blogs. That's what I 'ought' to be doing, isn't it, as a blogger? But then I thought, if it is making me feel duty-bound to do it, even when my heart is temporarily just not in it for whatever reason, it strips all the fun and enjoyment out of it - and if it's no fun, I ain't going to keep it up for long, am I?

The fact that I'm posting this, perhaps there is a chink of sunlight burning through the fog, but it's not lifted completely just yet, so I'll slink off again now and maybe I'll feel I have something I think worth blogging about soon.