Missing my little boy

I've been really missing my little boy this weekend. Half term week has meant that he's been away at his dad's for 3 nights last weekend, and then away 3 nights this weekend too. And I'm missing his wee face. And his smart little comments and funny questions. And his singing along to Adele songs and his 'robot' dancing (sometimes at the same time!).

I should be well used by now to him being at his dad's. Afterall, he's been staying with him for 1 or 2 nights every week since we separated. But I've never quite got used to it, feeling relieved to get a break from 24/7 single parenthood on the one hand, but still missing my wee boy like mad on the other.

So this week the extra nights apart from him have been hard. I've felt like i'm right back at the beginning, when this all started, 18 months ago. I hate him going away every weekend, because I hate what it means. I hate that he has to go between me and his dad's, I hate that he'll never wake up in the morning and see mummy and daddy together in the same place, that he'll either be with me or with daddy, never both of us.

I. don't. want. to. be. a. single. parent. This is not what I want for me, and it's definitely not what I want for B. And it sucks.

Am I being self-pitying? Yes. Do I deserve a little bit of indulgent self-pity occasionally? I reckon so.

Naughty mummy

[Ed: re-worked for 2012 Britmums Imperfect Parenting Carnival, hosted by the lovely Michelle at Mummy from the Heart]


Kids, dontcha just love their honesty? Their innocent questioning of the world around them, which may seem like mickey-taking to the uninitiated, but is really just their way of finding out about the world. "Why does that man look sad?" for example, or "why is that lady in a wheelchair?". Perfectly innocent and reasonable questions if you think about it from their point of view.

As a parent, you are well aware of this public honesty and innocent lack of discretion. So when I decided to try and pass off my now five year-old as 'still four' - so I didn't have to pay a ridiculously expensive child fee to get into a local tourist attraction - I knew there was the risk of him telling everyone exactly how old he was and spoiling my sneaky and somewhat dishonest plan. But I carried on regardless, foolishly thinking that he would be too occupied with what was going on around him to listen to the boring chat between mummy and the cashier.

You know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, my darling little B, on hearing me telling the nice lady that he was still four for a few weeks yet, pipes up:

 "No I'm not four, I'm five now. Why are you saying I'm four, Mummy?"

image credit: telegraph.co.uk

Aaahh!! What do I do? Do I admit defeat, try make a joke out of my dishonesty, own up and pay up? Or carry on with the ruse and dig myself a deeper hole?

 In a moment of panic, and still not wanting to pay the entry fee, I blundered onwards.

"No, honey, remember you're not 5 for a few more sleeps yet". Turning to the cashier, "Won't be able to get away with not paying for much longer, he'll be five next week". I hoped that was the end of it.

But no.

image credit: bbc.co.uk

"But I'm five now mummy. Not four." and so it went on. It felt like I was standing there for hours telling the filthiest lies ever told in the known universe. (I wouldn't make a good fraudster...)

The cashier, to my amazement, gave us the free child ticket, seemingly convinced by my suave lies (or else feeling sorry for my pathetic attempt at deceipt).

An hour and a half later on our way back out, I was relieved to see we wouldn't have to skulk past the same cashier as someone else was on duty. Phew! That would have been too much for me to bear, I'd have run up to her, shouted "it's a fair cop!" or something, and flung the money on the table, begging for her forgiveness.

Suffice to say we'll not be visiting that establishment again for a wee while. I am too ashamed of my trickery and web of lies. I need to atone for my wrong-doing...

But I STILL don't agree with paying so much for a five year old to get in!

Shame on me?

Wow i've been very neglectful of the blogosphere of late. It's been nearly two weeks since i last posted, or did much else online, which has taken me by surprise this morning.

There's been some sort of fog surrounding me, killing any concentration or motivation i have had for anything much really. Not just for blogging, but for anything that needs any more effort than vegging on the couch of an evening. Bit of a strange one really, don't know why the fog has descended, but I have come to the conclusion I'll just have to ride it out.

As the days have passed, I was beginning to get myself stressed out for not keeping up my blogging duties and posting, reading, or commenting on other blogs. That's what I 'ought' to be doing, isn't it, as a blogger? But then I thought, if it is making me feel duty-bound to do it, even when my heart is temporarily just not in it for whatever reason, it strips all the fun and enjoyment out of it - and if it's no fun, I ain't going to keep it up for long, am I?

The fact that I'm posting this, perhaps there is a chink of sunlight burning through the fog, but it's not lifted completely just yet, so I'll slink off again now and maybe I'll feel I have something I think worth blogging about soon.

A job? For me?

Yes, an actual job. Someone has offered me an actual paid job.

Woo Hoo!!

Now, it's not The Job, the one which will save me from the financial hole I'm rushing towards. But it WILL slow the rushing.

It's also not going to quite give me the fresh new challenges I'm looking for or get me completely away from what i was doing before (which is what i want), but it WILL give me fantastic experience in the sector I want to get into, it WILL get me meeting people and organisations which I hope will open up new opportunities a bit further down the road.

It's only 1 day a week, so it'll mean that I am not stressing myself stupid about fitting school-runs in with getting to work and back again.

And I hope, I really hope, it will boost my dwindling confidence, so I feel like I am worthy of being paid to work again.

So it's all good. I can't give up the job search quite yet, but it's a long-awaited small step in the right direction.

Yeh me!

Time to switch?

I think I need to go lie down for a while. I've come over all funny, like.









Cos I've just done something I've never done before, not even when I had 'another half' to do it with. Oh, that's sounds a bit odd. I should continue, and quickly.

Having agreed to a visit from an energy company salesman this morning, I felt I should do a wee bit of homework prior to his arrival so I would have some idea of what he was talking about. Or at least be able to fool him into thinking I knew my standing charges from my fixed savers. So I trawled the price-comparison sites last night, sought out Martin Lewis' advice, and dug out a bill to actually find out what tariff I'm on and what my usage is. (Is that really sad and pathetic that I didn't know what my tariff was? I blame it on the fact that my ex 'took care' of the energy bills, and I'm still catching up on "Stuff You Need To Know" as a single parent.)

So the nice salesman arrived - and yes, he was nice. Not 18 yrs old and wearing an oversized pin-striped suit and footballer's 'big tie' like the last salesman who came a-callin'. This one was a bit older, took his shoes off at the door (!), didn't push me to make a decision, just told me what options his company could offer and left me his number if I wanted to switch.

After a bit more research this afternoon, I found a tariff which met my needs and saved me a bit of money (which happened to be with my current supplier), I gingerly picked up the phone and switched.

Just Like That!

Now, that might not sound like a big deal, but for years we (and now I) never switched suppliers or tariffs as the thought of working out what is cheaper, easier, better in the longer term, cheaper in the short term, etc, just put us off doing it. Like a whole lot of other people. So for me, it was a big deal and I duly patted myself on the back. (Which is not easy to do, try it!)

No more will I stick with what I've got just to save hassle, when there's a chance of saving some much needed pennies.

I credit myself with having a reasonable amount of intelligence and common sense and I found the thought of going through the process a bit daunting. I am no political activist by any means but I support any political pledge which makes it easier for consumers to find cheaper deals, to actually switch suppliers, and for government to come down harder on the big energy companies, as has been touted this week.


Now for that lie down.